When you hit yourself and want to scream/cry/lose it... but can't.

Sometimes my husband, Kevin, gets mad at me when I talk to women who are expecting their first child.  He says it's because of the "negative expression of honesty" that I share.  I just like to tell them how it is - being a new Mom.  That's because I've found that no one else tends to talk like this.  And I say this – I’m the kind of person that needs to know the worst case scenario in things.  TELL me the worst that can and will likely happen.  I LIKE to be mentally prepared. I LIKE that.  But for some reason, it seems like no one else is on that train.  For some reason when I was pregnant, all the other Moms I knew – including my own – just told me about all the wonderful, flowery things – mostly how "rewarding" becoming a Mother is.  But everyone forgot to tell me about the part where the Seeley I’ve always been will go away and never come back the same. The freedom and flexibility I had in my prior life is dead, unless of course I choose to be a dead-beat Mom.  My relationship with my husband will switch from best friends who love spending time together to business partners trying to cope everyday with the chaotic newness of a baby.  And any moments of downtime or aloneness – even to go to the bathroom – are gone.

This leads me to the subject of accidental pain and wanting to LOSE IT!  How many of you have had the experience where you accidentally bump into or get hit by something and are caught off guard?  Example: I was getting my son, Jack, ready to take him on one of our daily "adventures" to the park, and as I had him in my arms and opened the passenger door of our Jeep, the metal corner of the door slammed into my head. It was one of those quick "car accident" type moments where it all happened so slow, yet so fast.  I realized in a nano-second that I had been hit and my first instinct was (as it's always been) to take this opportunity and BREAK DOWN!!! 

Ahhh… the cathartic breakdown and sensation of release that always comes with just letting those tears pour out of my eyes.  Historically, the event happens – I get hit in the head, stub my toe, etc… and then I realize – in THAT moment – “I’ve been hurt! I can finally cry!”  Not because I stubbed my toe – I mean it usually hurts, but not THAT much. But because I just NEED to cry.  And in this instance, if I had actually LET MYSELF cry it would have probably gone something like this…

Oh my GOD. I had NO idea this would be my life. I had no idea that I would never get to have my own emotions again – to not even be able to cry when I hurt myself. I had no idea that I’d have to stop all evidence of emotions in fear that it would scare my baby son. No one told me that I’d have to always come off as this power woman, keeping it together at all times – when he cries uncontrollably in the night and I haven’t had sleep for months, to when he insists on throwing all the food I’ve just prepared for him to the dog.  When he repeatedly brings me the books he wants read, but once I read he just starts crying – I’m not doing it right.  Somedays it really feels like about 90% of what I do as a Mom is all wrong.  Like I’m just guessing all day long.  And it’s hard. As much as I love him (and I do more than life), it’s very hard. No one warned me about this.

I wish someone had warned me of this because I just realized -- as a new Mom, when I accidentally get hurt, I don’t get to have those cathartic cries anymore. I'm pretty sure those days are over.  Maybe they’ll come back when Jack’s older?  I doubt it.  I don’t think I want him seeing just how fragile his Mommy really is.